Why We Really Love Fantasy Baseball

This second millions of baseball fanatics are 'stattracking' in front of PC's and laptops. Some squint their eyes to check their Blackberries in the back corner dank of a dive bar. Others sit on misshapen stools scanning the ESPN ticker with the visual salivation of a Wall Street stockbroker. Somewhere relationships are collapsing, responsibilities are being ignored and hungry children remain unfed...all because of Fantasy Baseball.

And I love it.

Note: This post is not designed to convert those who 'Don't Get' the wonder that is Fantasy Sport. If you belong to this brood you probably 'Don't Get' The Godfather, Bob Dylan or Andy Warhol either. Please stop reading and go enjoy a Fast and Furious movie. If this sounds snobbish, it is. Fantasy sport is an elitist practice and Fantasy Baseball is the most bourgeois of them all.

All sports are debated ad nauseum in the backyards and barrooms of the world but none with such arrogant finality as Baseball. Every baseball fan worth their weight in crackerjacks is certain they know who's the best player in each position, who's going to take the Series and why everything you think sucks. There's always room for debate (that's half the fun) but there is rarely room for assent. Friends and neighbors agree to disagree and the game seems destined to remain a draw...but of course there are no draws in baseball, and this is when Fantasy strolls to the plate. Its mission: To hit an upper deck shot that seperates the Hall of Famers from the Minor Leaguers.

All fantasy owners know (at least I hope) that they have no real bearing on the success or failure of any individual player. They all understand that some degree of chance is involved in the summer long struggle to first place. So why play? What's the reward? Is it simply bragging rights or some predetermined sum of money?

No.

We play to answer one question. Who is the best Student of Baseball?

Student of Baseball? What a pretentious term. Would you actually refer to yourself as a Student of Baseball? Damn right I do. I also refer to myself by another pretentious term, 'Winner'.

Most fantasy owners like to think of themeselves as objective students of the Game. They believe their analysis of a particular team or player is not rooted in personal bias but in an objective critique of our National Past Time. Even if their calculations prove incorrect (or flat out wrong) they can always say, 'Hey man. I never said it exactly like that' or 'You just must have heard me wrong, buddy'. Fantasy unmask such lies.

Every season Fantasy rewards the diligent student with the golden star of a few extra stolen bases. It pats on the head with a ten strikeout complete game. It adds on a large helping of RBI doubles...and to the dunces it taketh away.

Fantasy reminds the students in the back of the class how drafting personal favorites (Jeter in the 3rd round) is the act of an amateur. It scolds the trouble makers who accept wayward trades based on name alone (Berkman for Joey Votto. I'll take that deal. Who's ever heard of Joey Votto?) It drums the knuckles of delinquents that drop aces after a few poor starts (Who knew C.C. would turn it around?).

We love Fantasy Baseball because it is braggadocious machismo made concrete. Fantasy transforms the abstractness of heated debate into a tangible gauge of certainty. It says the players I think have the most individual all around value actually do have the most individual all around value. My make-believe would tronce your make-believe.

Fantasy is a material barometer of sports knowledge superiority.

As I stated before, a bit of fortune and unpredictabilty always play a part in the grand drama. The Fantasy Gods can be fickle. But let me leave you with a quote from one of my favorite flicks.

"Why do you think the same five guys make it to the Final Table at the World Series of Poker EVERY YEAR? What, are they the luckiest guys in Vegas?"

Think it over class.

Dismissed.